Vivian at 5 Months Old

What a month it’s been! Our sweet little Vivian Grace is now 5 months old. Right around 4 months her sleep schedule changed. Vivi went from waking once a night (bed at 8, wake up around 1 and then back down until 6ish) to waking every 2 hours and some nights even worse! I blame the four month sleep regression. We tried swaddling her, unswaddling her, sound machine, no sound machine, bath before bed, bottle (total fail), paci (another fail) and so much more. After weeks and weeks of very little to no sleep I can finally say we see the light at the end of the tunnel. Vivian wakes twice a night to nurse and goes right back to sleep! 

Since coming home the excitement of Vivian has calmed down some from the kids. I think it’s because they’re with her all the time since we have all been home for a whole year come March. We have our four

oldest (9,8,7 and 5 years old) doing elementary school on the computer. 

Also, Brooks who will be two next month is at such a fun age where the kids are constantly laughing at what he says and does. 

Vivian was born at 36 weeks and 1 day due to preterm labor. At only 4lbs 10oz she was tiny, but mighty! I’m so thankful she had no nicu time. If you have had your baby spend time in the nicu you know how hard it is mentally and physically. I’ve unfortunately had to experience it four out of six times.

Like I mentioned above she was only 4lbs 10oz at birth and now is around 14lbs! Just like her big sister Rose she won’t take the bottle or a pacifier. All that weight gain has been from me and I’m proud of that. Breastfeeding is exhausting as it is, breastfeeding a baby who won’t take a bottle is so much pressure, but things are going well. I feed Vivian on demand and when I record it she usually eats 9 or 10 times in a 24 hour period. Bedtime for Vivian is around 7pm and she will wake up anywhere between 10pm-12am to nurse then again anywhere between 2am-4am then goes back to sleep to 6am or 7am. 

As for personality she’s such a sweetheart so pure and precious. We all adore her so much! Vivian loves to watch her siblings and if she’s on my hip and they’re talking to me she will smile so big and giggle. Vivian loves nursing obviously, baths, being held, gentle face kisses all over almost always guarantees smiles, sitting up (with help) and standing (with help.) Dislikes include, having her nose suctioned, not being held, tummy time, the wind.

This month has brought a lot of drool!!! Vivian loves to suck on her hands and become a huge wet mess. We do our best to remember a bib, but end up usually just changing her outfit 100 times a day, 

At her four month well check up her pediatrician said we could start solids, but we decided to hold off until she’s 6+ months. I feel no rush this time. 

We love our Vivi girl so much she brings so much joy to our day! 

G.H.Hurt Shawl

 I received this gorgeous shawl from G.H.Hurt & Son and I wanted to share a little more about the company that is based in the city of Nottingham in the UK. Since 1912 they have been creating unique and luxury clothing accessories that have been featured on many including when Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex and Prince Harry’s son Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor was introduced into the world he was wrapped in their ivory white leaves and flowers baby shawl. The tradition actually began with Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip when they swaddled Prince Charles in a blanket from G.H. Hurt & Son's! I brought ours to the hospital and got so many compliments! I highly encourage anyone who is expecting to consider buying one of these gorgeous shawls it will be cherished for my years as I know ours will be.

Gemma Anne Worthington

If you follow along on Instagram you probably saw I didn't have the best D&C experience, but I guess it was going to be a horrible day no matter what, it just could have been a little less hard if I had a compassionate medical team.

We waited a whopping three hours before going back for my less than 15 minute surgery. In a room, with no TV, we just sat for three hours alone knowing what was to come, thinking about what had happened, we just sat there waiting. We had a nurse come in for two or so minutes to have me sign some forms and then the anesthesiologist came in to give me an IV which also took less than 5 minutes.

We talked, we cried, we waited. Finally, the Doctor came in and said we would be going back in a few minutes and asked if we had any questions. I asked if Matt could come back for the ultrasound to confirm no heartbeat, she said no. I asked if I could at least get a picture to have and to show him, she said no. I asked if I could be awake for the ultrasound so I could see the baby one last time, she said okay. 

Finally, after 30 more minutes of waiting, it was time to go back.  I gave Matt a kiss and then had to roll my IV pole back to the operating room with the anesthesiologist following behind me.  When I got to the cold, bright operating room I was told to sit down on this tiny seat with two stirrups.  Right next to the seat, there was a metal dish that I just knew would be used for putting my baby on. Right away, I started to feeling tears coming on along with the knot in my throat getting bigger. I sat down and my legs started violently shaking, my heart was racing. I saw in the corner of my eye the anesthesiologist putting a shot in my IV. I figured it was just anti nausea medicine because I had mentioned I usually get sick after anesthesia - and after all the doctor wasn't even in the room yet. A few seconds later, the room was spinning and I muttered to everyone that I was supposed to be awake for the ultrasound and the anesthesiologist said he didn't know that (Even though both Matt and I distinctly remember talking with him about this before the procedure). I saw the doctor and heard her say "let's hurry and get the scan done." I saw my baby for only half a second. It's hard to even remember, but the sac looked so large and baby looked like a peanut. I was so upset, the sac was measuring six weeks at my last scan and the baby was measuring eight so how was the baby so small and the sac so big now? Before I fell asleep the last thing I heard was her say "no heartbeat."

When I woke up Matt was there he said I had tears running down my face for the past ten minutes while waking up. He said I kept saying "it got bigger, it got bigger" it didn't matter though our baby was gone.

I wanted to leave, like right then, but I had to wait to see the doctor. Once she showed up all she said was "it went fine." I didn't say anything then she said "hopefully next time will have a better outcome."

That night was hard, I felt so empty. I reflected on the days leading up to the D&C. Saturday, when my motherly instinct was telling me that something wasn't right. Monday, my suspicions were confirmed. Wednesday, my baby's body was suctioned and scraped out of me. I was hurting, mentally and physically this was all so much to processes.

Fast forward to today.

Our fetal tissue we had genetically tested came back normal. She was chromosomal normal.

That's right, SHE our second little girl, our daughter.  A little sister for Rose, who has wanted a sister for as long as I can remember. Always stuffing her outgrown clothes in her nightstand drawer for the sister she hopes to one day have. Ugh. This makes it more real, this makes it sting a little harder. A girl.

Today, Matt & I are going to blame our miscarriage on the subchorionic hematoma (SCH), a small bleed that our doctor said shouldn't affect the pregnancy, but we feel it did. It was growing every ultrasound right next to our girl. Maybe it affected the growth of the gestational sac or maybe it didn't. Today, we are going to say it did. We need something to blame this on because our baby girl was perfect. "Strong, beautiful heartbeat" he said and it was, she was... strong and beautiful.

We had her name picked out incase Brooks was a girl, Gemma. We went back and forth to keep this name for our next baby if it happens to be another girl, but we decided that wouldn't be fair. She deserves this name, she was perfect, Gemma Anne Worthington, a true gem.

We love you so much sweet girl and know you're looking down on us. I can't wait to meet you one day. I wonder if you would have had brown hair like your big sister, Rose or blonde hair like your big brother, Trent. Maybe you would have had green eyes like your biggest brother, Landon or brown like Oliver and Brooks. One thing I do know for sure is that you're strong just like all your siblings and you fought until you literally couldn't fight any longer. I wish so badly I could have done something, anything to help the dang sac grow. You did nothing wrong, you were perfect.

What now?

Well, we wait. I went in on Wednesday one week after the D&C and my HCG level was 254. I was hoping it would be negative which is anything under 5, but I was informed it could take weeks for it get there. It's crazy to me that if I were take a pregnancy test it would be blazing positive right now, but there is no baby.  She's gone, while my pregnancy still lingers running through my veins, my baby girl is gone.

You Were There and Then You Weren’t

On September 16th 2019 I saw something I have been blessed to see many times before, five to be exact. Two pink lines! Confirmed later by a digital test glaring the word “Pregnant” across the screen. 

Since I’m high risk for ectopic pregnancy because of a blocked fallopian tube I was quickly seen to take my HCG level to confirm doubling every 2-3 days! The first blood test came back 374, two days later 685 and one last test came back 1324! I couldn’t believe it! Brooks and this sweet baby would be only 16 months apart. We love, love, love having our babies close in age. We felt so thankful! 

The symptoms rolled in and I welcomed them with open arms. Vivid dreams, dry skin, weird taste in mouth, dizzy spells, headaches, and waves of nausea. 

October 3rd 2019 5W5D Our first ultrasound to truly rule out ectopic. We have a gestational sac and a yolk sac as well as the start of a fetal pole all in my uterus as they should be. 

Due May 30th 2020 the same due date as Oliver!

October 7th 2019 6W2D We have a strong heartbeat! 117BPM the doctor said anything over 100 at this point is great. Feeling so lucky to be doing this a SIXTH time! 

October 15th 7W3D 153BPM first thing the doctor said was “beautiful, strong heartbeat!” I smiled, it truly was, strong and beautiful. There was a concern though baby’s gestational sac was measuring a week behind! The doctor said he has seen this before and it has been okay, but we like to see all three measuring around the same (within days) the baby, the yolk sac and the gestational sac. There was nothing we could do and we would just have to see. 

October 19th 2019 I had rented a doppler as I have for all my past pregnancies just for some reassurance between appointments. I wasn’t going to use it just yet, but something in me had me just try.I found it right away! At just 8 weeks that is very early. It was registering at 156BPM and I grabbed my phone to record it. It was strong and beautiful just as it was the week before. Hearing the heartbeat gave me the push to share our exciting news with our kids! They were thrilled! Jumping up and down, hugged and kissed my tiny bloat belly asking the name and the gender right away! 

Red flag- After dinner that night I wanted to hear it one more time before bed and I couldn’t find the heartbeat. I tried not to panic and felt much better after reading so many women online say how it’s hard to find the heartbeat before 12 weeks and 8 weeks is nearly impossible. I decided to just feel lucky I even found it earlier that day and go to bed, I tossed and turned all night thinking something was wrong, I checked again first thing the next morning, nothing. Knowing I had a scan the next morning was the only thing that kept me from going totally crazy. I hoped for the best. 

October 21st 8W2D You were there and then you weren’t. 

At 8 weeks baby was measuring perfectly 8 weeks on the dot. Right away when baby popped up on the screen I knew they were gone. He didn’t have to say it, I saw. That beautiful and strong heartbeat we had just heard the day before last was gone. Baby was there floating with no room in their sac which now measured two weeks behind! The baby did everything they could to be here with us. They were perfect. They did nothing wrong, it was all because of that dang sac. I knew it, I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t find the heartbeat anymore. I believe our baby was holding on for me to hear their heartbeat just one time on the doppler and record it to keep forever. Then you had to go, you had to leave. 

As I’m sitting here writing about our baby we will never meet I feel this lump in my throat choking me. I want them here so badly. They were meant to be here. They did nothing wrong. They were growing perfectly just as they should! 

You were there and then you weren’t. 

Something like this happening is rare. I have searched the internet and usually it’s the baby that stops growing and the sac that continues. Or that there was never even a heartbeat and all growth stopped. 

We had to update the kids. Landon and Oliver the oldest took it the hardest especially Oliver. He cried full tears rolling down his little sweet cheeks. He said how he wishes he could have helped the sac grow and held me as we both cried. 

October 23rd 2019 Saying goodbye

Tomorrow is my D&C. Tomorrow we say goodbye until we meet again. 

These two days before the surgery have been hard to say the least. Knowing the baby is in there no longer alive is hard. I have hardly slept and I don’t want to eat. I want this baby out, but I want them to stay forever knowing this is the closest I’ll ever get to holding my sweet baby that left too soon. 

I can’t wait to meet you one day, baby. I carried you in my tummy for only a short time, but you will always be in my heart. Thank you for giving me the gift of the sound of your beautiful heartbeat. I play it often and will cherish it forever.

Tomorrow we say goodbye, for now.

Brooks' Birth Story

Well, this is very overdue.

It all started when I wasn't ready to share his story emotionally, then weeks kept passing by and I was so exhausted that I literally couldn't find the energy to write it up. And now here we are over three months since we welcomed our sweet Brooks Kelly Worthington into our family.

Late afternoon on February 22nd, I was 35 weeks and 1 day pregnant (the same exact gestation when I gave birth to Rose) I had been having my usual Braxton Hicks contractions so I did what I usually did which was drank water, took a shower and tried to lay down. They didn't go away and I was scared. I was scared because I didn't want to go to the hospital. I was scared because I knew that I was going to have to give birth to him because of my scar and I didn't want to. I wanted him to stay inside and develop longer. Having had four previous c-sections, I was not suppose to labor for long to avoid my scar from rupturing.

Obviously, I knew I had to call and go in.

Once we got to the hospital they started me on an IV and a monitor to see my contractions that were coming every few minutes as they had been. My doctor came in and said we were going to have him tonight. It wasn't safe for me to have these contractions with my c-section scar. I was sad. Usually, when you hear you get to meet your baby in an hour after months and months of carrying them you're excited, but I wasn't.

I had gotten steroid shots to help Brooks's lung development a few weeks before, but Rose was the same gestational age when she was born and she had to go to the NICU.  I pretty much told every doctor or nurse that would listen that I didn't want Brooks to go to the NICU. They all said the same thing which is he might not at 35 weeks, it's a 50/50 chance. I just knew though deep down, he wasn't ready to come home with us.

When I was getting wheeled back for my fifth section, I honestly just wanted to go home. My eyes were filling up with tears as I hugged my belly full of my baby boy one last time. I felt like I failed him. From my first positive pregnancy test, to that moment, I hoped and wished that this baby wouldn't have to go to the NICU. That my body would carry them until they were truly ready to be here. I really felt like I had failed him.

The c-section took a long time, longer than I recall the other ones taking (more on that in a different post.) Finally, after what felt like an hour of my insides being moved around I heard the best sound in this whole world, his cry. Brooks was rushed to the table to be examined. I asked Matt to go over and be with him. They kept Brooks over there for what felt like another whole hour. I just wanted to see him! I kept asking "is he okay? Is he breathing okay?" Matt said they were just cleaning him off. I knew Matt was just trying to keep me from worrying, but the truth was Brooks was purple and they were giving him oxygen.

Once Brooks was able to get his breathing under control a nurse carried him over to me. I don't know if Matt asked for Brooks to be put on my chest or if I did, but the nurse was really rude about it. No compassion whatsoever. She pushed Brooks down so hard on my chest, it was the most uncomfortable and awkward way to be seeing and in a sense holding my son for the first time. I didn't even want it to go on for another second. I asked her to just give him to Matt.

Matt, the nurse and Brooks left for me to get stitched up. Does anyone know why they always do this? Why can't baby and dad stay with the mother? Anyway, Once it was all done I was wheeled recovery. Where I was welcomed by a cold and very empty room. No husband, and obviously no baby Brooks. My heart sank, my eyes started to sting and the tears started rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. I knew it. I knew, he wasn't ready. I knew, he wouldn't be there, but it didn't stop this scene from hurting as much as it did. Just an empty room and a fresh incision. No one to hug me, no one who understood, no one to ask why.

The new nurse came in and said so casually that "dad and baby made a trip to the NICU." Thankfully, Matt was able to give a nurse my phone to give to me once I got to the room.

Matt said that the nurse was concerned with Brooks's fast breathing and his oxygen level. He asked her, but more like begged her to please just wait until I got back from my c-section before going.  Brooks was stable with the nasal cannula that they had in recovery. He would have been more than fine waiting ten minutes for me to give him a kiss before he left, but she said no. She actually told Matt that he could stay and wait for me and she could just take Brooks without him! How she could put Matt in that situation was very wrong. Choosing to be there for me when I got out of surgery or go with our newborn son. I mean, this nurse had to have been a mother herself and how she couldn't have the compassion to just wait for me before taking my son is beyond me.

The hospital stay was depressing, being wheeled down to the NICU, seeing the smiling visitors with gift bags and balloons for the new mommies and their babies, waking up to the cold, hard plastic of a pump. The hospital stay was hard.

Seeing Brooks in the isolette was hard. Seeing him on oxygen was hard, seeing his little sweet wrist all bandaged with a bloody IV was hard, and all the cords that make it near impossible to hold him was hard.

I gave birth at 11:17pm on Friday. We went first thing Saturday morning to visit Brooks in the NICU and the doctor was very positive and said he thought Brooks would be discharged with me! Finally some good news! We stayed the day Saturday, pumping and wheeling down to visit B. Every visit after the morning one went downhill. Brooks's oxygen wasn't staying up so they had to put him on a CPAP which being the experienced NICU mom that I am, I knew that meant he was in fact NOT going home with me. I spent most of the late afternoon and night crying, feeling empty physically and emotionally. Matt was so helpful and loving. He held me while I cried and said how unfair this all was. He cleaned my pump supplies every 3 hours and walked my collastrum down when I was too sad to visit. Once it was apparent that Brooks wasn't going to be discharged with me I just wanted to leave.  My doctor came by late Saturday and I told him I wanted to leave. At this point it hadn't even been 24 hours. He told me to stay the night and he would discharge me first thing tomorrow morning.

The drive home with our empty carseat was sad. I got home and hugged my beautiful children and cried in their arms and told them "mommy was sad because Brooks has to stay at the hospital a few days to grow bigger." Rose, who may I remind everyone is only three years old said "it will be okay though." Which only made me cry harder.

The next few days were a blur of hospital visits (40 minutes away), pumping, calling to check on Brooks, and crying. One day, I forgot to call before we left the house to give the nurse a heads up we were coming so she fed him, took his temperature and changed him before we got there. Brooks was snuggled up and sound asleep it felt wrong to disturb him and take him out with all those cords right after he got settled so we just looked at him and I cried. I just wanted to hold my boy without the cords holding him back or his little oxygen mask slipping down his face. I don't mean to sound so negative towards the NICU over at the hospital I delivered, but this has always been my experience with them. I have had four out of five of my babies go to this NICU and the nurses and doctors are amazing experience wise they might be the best, but so disconnected to the mothers feelings.

There is a hospital only a few minutes from our house, but my high risk practice doesn't have rights to deliver there. Matt and I were able to get Brooks transferred to the NICU over here six days after he was born. The NICU by our house was the COMPLETE opposite of the other one. Right after he was transferred we went to see him. I asked to hold him and the nurse smiled at me and almost laughed as she said "he is your son you don't have to ask! Pick him up!" I wanted to cry tears of joy. Even though Brooks wasn't home he was right down the street with the sweetest nurses who were really sympathetic to my feelings during this hard time. They had these amazing cameras on the babies cribs so you could watch yours (during certain times) from home!

The day before Brooks was discharged we were offered to stay the night with him in a hospital room alone. No monitors, no cords, and no nurses. It was just us and it was magical! We ordered food to the hospital and watched a movie on the tiny TV as I cuddled, smelled, nursed and loved so hard on our baby boy. I had been dreaming of that time with him for months and it was nothing short of just that, a dream! Brooks was discharged after only three days in the NICU by our house. I guarantee Brooks would have still been at the other NICU for a least another week or even two (confirmed by our last nurse there.) They keep the babies there for extra monitoring, which is great for the parents who have micro preemies who probably need it, but when your baby is almost term and is breathing well after a few days they should be discharged. It is so, so hard to visit your baby in the NICU when they're fine and just hanging out. You want them to be home with you where they belong. Brooks, just like Rose, is and was a horrible bottle eater. He loves to nurse and he is good at it. It was what kept him at the NICU over here for an extra day because he wouldn't eat the bottles. Still three months in he won't take a bottle well and it's hard on me so we are working on slowly getting him used to pacifiers and bottles just for my peace of mind if I need a break to go out for more than two hours during the day.

Bringing Brooks home, I couldn't wait to introduce him to his siblings. They all had a chance to hold him and we were all so happy to finally be together as a family of seven!

I hope everyone who reads this can understand why it was so hard for me to share his story. I was in a very hard place right after his birth and I couldn't talk about it for weeks after his delivery without crying. I also hope I didn't offend anyone with my feeling towards the NICU. I am so thankful for the nurses and doctors to have been there to help my babies when they needed it. I feel so blessed to have five healthy children to call my own!

Week 35 baby #5

35 weeks?! With the way things were looking two or three weeks ago I am very surprised and excited to have made it this far! Keep on growing baby boy!

Monday was my 35 week appointment. According to their scale I weigh 110.2 and my blood pressure was 108/70. We had a quick ultrasound to check baby B's fluid level which is in the normal range. I had my cervix checked and I am still the same 1 cm 70-75% effaced.

The only thing that was a little concerning to my doctor was my lack of weight gain. I haven't gained weight in weeks and I actually lost a pound this past week. This is shocking to me because I have been eating so much to the point of feeling very uncomfortable and sick. He wants to check baby B's weight next Monday to see if he dropped from his 46% weight to the 20-30%. If he has, then they will deliver him within the next week or two.

Rose came TOMORROW (35 weeks 1 day), Trent came at 36 weeks 3 days and Oliver came at 37 weeks. Trent was our only baby that didn't need to go to the NICU. I am hoping that even if B comes in the next few days the fact that he has had steroid shots to develop his lungs will help him not have to go. 

35 weeks with Trent

35 weeks with Rose

This week baby is the size of a canary melon weighing about 5.5lbs and around 19-22 inches length.

I had my last Makena shot yesterday! I am so thankful to be done with them.

Sleep: Not the best week for sleep. I have been waking up multiple times a night and having trouble falling back asleep.

Craving: Soft serve ice cream, cheeseburgers, milk, fries, chicken lo mein, ice and pizza.

Symptoms: Mild headaches, rib pain, out of breath, feeling uncomfortably full. Baby B has been practicing his breathing multiple times a day as well as having hiccups. He is a busy boy in there working hard on his skills.

Looking forward to: March, I just really want to make it to March before delivering. That is my goal!

What I am loving: Washing little baby boy clothes!

Days Until:

36 week appointment: 4 days

C-section: 28 days (1 month exactly from today!)

Total pounds gained: 14