If you follow along on Instagram you probably saw I didn't have the best D&C experience, but I guess it was going to be a horrible day no matter what, it just could have been a little less hard if I had a compassionate medical team.
We waited a whopping three hours before going back for my less than 15 minute surgery. In a room, with no TV, we just sat for three hours alone knowing what was to come, thinking about what had happened, we just sat there waiting. We had a nurse come in for two or so minutes to have me sign some forms and then the anesthesiologist came in to give me an IV which also took less than 5 minutes.
We talked, we cried, we waited. Finally, the Doctor came in and said we would be going back in a few minutes and asked if we had any questions. I asked if Matt could come back for the ultrasound to confirm no heartbeat, she said no. I asked if I could at least get a picture to have and to show him, she said no. I asked if I could be awake for the ultrasound so I could see the baby one last time, she said okay.
Finally, after 30 more minutes of waiting, it was time to go back. I gave Matt a kiss and then had to roll my IV pole back to the operating room with the anesthesiologist following behind me. When I got to the cold, bright operating room I was told to sit down on this tiny seat with two stirrups. Right next to the seat, there was a metal dish that I just knew would be used for putting my baby on. Right away, I started to feeling tears coming on along with the knot in my throat getting bigger. I sat down and my legs started violently shaking, my heart was racing. I saw in the corner of my eye the anesthesiologist putting a shot in my IV. I figured it was just anti nausea medicine because I had mentioned I usually get sick after anesthesia - and after all the doctor wasn't even in the room yet. A few seconds later, the room was spinning and I muttered to everyone that I was supposed to be awake for the ultrasound and the anesthesiologist said he didn't know that (Even though both Matt and I distinctly remember talking with him about this before the procedure). I saw the doctor and heard her say "let's hurry and get the scan done." I saw my baby for only half a second. It's hard to even remember, but the sac looked so large and baby looked like a peanut. I was so upset, the sac was measuring six weeks at my last scan and the baby was measuring eight so how was the baby so small and the sac so big now? Before I fell asleep the last thing I heard was her say "no heartbeat."
When I woke up Matt was there he said I had tears running down my face for the past ten minutes while waking up. He said I kept saying "it got bigger, it got bigger" it didn't matter though our baby was gone.
I wanted to leave, like right then, but I had to wait to see the doctor. Once she showed up all she said was "it went fine." I didn't say anything then she said "hopefully next time will have a better outcome."
That night was hard, I felt so empty. I reflected on the days leading up to the D&C. Saturday, when my motherly instinct was telling me that something wasn't right. Monday, my suspicions were confirmed. Wednesday, my baby's body was suctioned and scraped out of me. I was hurting, mentally and physically this was all so much to processes.
Fast forward to today.
Our fetal tissue we had genetically tested came back normal. She was chromosomal normal.
That's right, SHE our second little girl, our daughter. A little sister for Rose, who has wanted a sister for as long as I can remember. Always stuffing her outgrown clothes in her nightstand drawer for the sister she hopes to one day have. Ugh. This makes it more real, this makes it sting a little harder. A girl.
Today, Matt & I are going to blame our miscarriage on the subchorionic hematoma (SCH), a small bleed that our doctor said shouldn't affect the pregnancy, but we feel it did. It was growing every ultrasound right next to our girl. Maybe it affected the growth of the gestational sac or maybe it didn't. Today, we are going to say it did. We need something to blame this on because our baby girl was perfect. "Strong, beautiful heartbeat" he said and it was, she was... strong and beautiful.
We had her name picked out incase Brooks was a girl, Gemma. We went back and forth to keep this name for our next baby if it happens to be another girl, but we decided that wouldn't be fair. She deserves this name, she was perfect, Gemma Anne Worthington, a true gem.
We love you so much sweet girl and know you're looking down on us. I can't wait to meet you one day. I wonder if you would have had brown hair like your big sister, Rose or blonde hair like your big brother, Trent. Maybe you would have had green eyes like your biggest brother, Landon or brown like Oliver and Brooks. One thing I do know for sure is that you're strong just like all your siblings and you fought until you literally couldn't fight any longer. I wish so badly I could have done something, anything to help the dang sac grow. You did nothing wrong, you were perfect.
What now?
Well, we wait. I went in on Wednesday one week after the D&C and my HCG level was 254. I was hoping it would be negative which is anything under 5, but I was informed it could take weeks for it get there. It's crazy to me that if I were take a pregnancy test it would be blazing positive right now, but there is no baby. She's gone, while my pregnancy still lingers running through my veins, my baby girl is gone.
