Well, this is very overdue.
It all started when I wasn't ready to share his story emotionally, then weeks kept passing by and I was so exhausted that I literally couldn't find the energy to write it up. And now here we are over three months since we welcomed our sweet Brooks Kelly Worthington into our family.
Late afternoon on February 22nd, I was 35 weeks and 1 day pregnant (the same exact gestation when I gave birth to Rose) I had been having my usual Braxton Hicks contractions so I did what I usually did which was drank water, took a shower and tried to lay down. They didn't go away and I was scared. I was scared because I didn't want to go to the hospital. I was scared because I knew that I was going to have to give birth to him because of my scar and I didn't want to. I wanted him to stay inside and develop longer. Having had four previous c-sections, I was not suppose to labor for long to avoid my scar from rupturing.
Obviously, I knew I had to call and go in.
Once we got to the hospital they started me on an IV and a monitor to see my contractions that were coming every few minutes as they had been. My doctor came in and said we were going to have him tonight. It wasn't safe for me to have these contractions with my c-section scar. I was sad. Usually, when you hear you get to meet your baby in an hour after months and months of carrying them you're excited, but I wasn't.
I had gotten steroid shots to help Brooks's lung development a few weeks before, but Rose was the same gestational age when she was born and she had to go to the NICU. I pretty much told every doctor or nurse that would listen that I didn't want Brooks to go to the NICU. They all said the same thing which is he might not at 35 weeks, it's a 50/50 chance. I just knew though deep down, he wasn't ready to come home with us.
When I was getting wheeled back for my fifth section, I honestly just wanted to go home. My eyes were filling up with tears as I hugged my belly full of my baby boy one last time. I felt like I failed him. From my first positive pregnancy test, to that moment, I hoped and wished that this baby wouldn't have to go to the NICU. That my body would carry them until they were truly ready to be here. I really felt like I had failed him.
The c-section took a long time, longer than I recall the other ones taking (more on that in a different post.) Finally, after what felt like an hour of my insides being moved around I heard the best sound in this whole world, his cry. Brooks was rushed to the table to be examined. I asked Matt to go over and be with him. They kept Brooks over there for what felt like another whole hour. I just wanted to see him! I kept asking "is he okay? Is he breathing okay?" Matt said they were just cleaning him off. I knew Matt was just trying to keep me from worrying, but the truth was Brooks was purple and they were giving him oxygen.
Once Brooks was able to get his breathing under control a nurse carried him over to me. I don't know if Matt asked for Brooks to be put on my chest or if I did, but the nurse was really rude about it. No compassion whatsoever. She pushed Brooks down so hard on my chest, it was the most uncomfortable and awkward way to be seeing and in a sense holding my son for the first time. I didn't even want it to go on for another second. I asked her to just give him to Matt.
Matt, the nurse and Brooks left for me to get stitched up. Does anyone know why they always do this? Why can't baby and dad stay with the mother? Anyway, Once it was all done I was wheeled recovery. Where I was welcomed by a cold and very empty room. No husband, and obviously no baby Brooks. My heart sank, my eyes started to sting and the tears started rolling uncontrollably down my cheeks. I knew it. I knew, he wasn't ready. I knew, he wouldn't be there, but it didn't stop this scene from hurting as much as it did. Just an empty room and a fresh incision. No one to hug me, no one who understood, no one to ask why.
The new nurse came in and said so casually that "dad and baby made a trip to the NICU." Thankfully, Matt was able to give a nurse my phone to give to me once I got to the room.
Matt said that the nurse was concerned with Brooks's fast breathing and his oxygen level. He asked her, but more like begged her to please just wait until I got back from my c-section before going. Brooks was stable with the nasal cannula that they had in recovery. He would have been more than fine waiting ten minutes for me to give him a kiss before he left, but she said no. She actually told Matt that he could stay and wait for me and she could just take Brooks without him! How she could put Matt in that situation was very wrong. Choosing to be there for me when I got out of surgery or go with our newborn son. I mean, this nurse had to have been a mother herself and how she couldn't have the compassion to just wait for me before taking my son is beyond me.
The hospital stay was depressing, being wheeled down to the NICU, seeing the smiling visitors with gift bags and balloons for the new mommies and their babies, waking up to the cold, hard plastic of a pump. The hospital stay was hard.
Seeing Brooks in the isolette was hard. Seeing him on oxygen was hard, seeing his little sweet wrist all bandaged with a bloody IV was hard, and all the cords that make it near impossible to hold him was hard.
I gave birth at 11:17pm on Friday. We went first thing Saturday morning to visit Brooks in the NICU and the doctor was very positive and said he thought Brooks would be discharged with me! Finally some good news! We stayed the day Saturday, pumping and wheeling down to visit B. Every visit after the morning one went downhill. Brooks's oxygen wasn't staying up so they had to put him on a CPAP which being the experienced NICU mom that I am, I knew that meant he was in fact NOT going home with me. I spent most of the late afternoon and night crying, feeling empty physically and emotionally. Matt was so helpful and loving. He held me while I cried and said how unfair this all was. He cleaned my pump supplies every 3 hours and walked my collastrum down when I was too sad to visit. Once it was apparent that Brooks wasn't going to be discharged with me I just wanted to leave. My doctor came by late Saturday and I told him I wanted to leave. At this point it hadn't even been 24 hours. He told me to stay the night and he would discharge me first thing tomorrow morning.
The drive home with our empty carseat was sad. I got home and hugged my beautiful children and cried in their arms and told them "mommy was sad because Brooks has to stay at the hospital a few days to grow bigger." Rose, who may I remind everyone is only three years old said "it will be okay though." Which only made me cry harder.
The next few days were a blur of hospital visits (40 minutes away), pumping, calling to check on Brooks, and crying. One day, I forgot to call before we left the house to give the nurse a heads up we were coming so she fed him, took his temperature and changed him before we got there. Brooks was snuggled up and sound asleep it felt wrong to disturb him and take him out with all those cords right after he got settled so we just looked at him and I cried. I just wanted to hold my boy without the cords holding him back or his little oxygen mask slipping down his face. I don't mean to sound so negative towards the NICU over at the hospital I delivered, but this has always been my experience with them. I have had four out of five of my babies go to this NICU and the nurses and doctors are amazing experience wise they might be the best, but so disconnected to the mothers feelings.
There is a hospital only a few minutes from our house, but my high risk practice doesn't have rights to deliver there. Matt and I were able to get Brooks transferred to the NICU over here six days after he was born. The NICU by our house was the COMPLETE opposite of the other one. Right after he was transferred we went to see him. I asked to hold him and the nurse smiled at me and almost laughed as she said "he is your son you don't have to ask! Pick him up!" I wanted to cry tears of joy. Even though Brooks wasn't home he was right down the street with the sweetest nurses who were really sympathetic to my feelings during this hard time. They had these amazing cameras on the babies cribs so you could watch yours (during certain times) from home!
The day before Brooks was discharged we were offered to stay the night with him in a hospital room alone. No monitors, no cords, and no nurses. It was just us and it was magical! We ordered food to the hospital and watched a movie on the tiny TV as I cuddled, smelled, nursed and loved so hard on our baby boy. I had been dreaming of that time with him for months and it was nothing short of just that, a dream! Brooks was discharged after only three days in the NICU by our house. I guarantee Brooks would have still been at the other NICU for a least another week or even two (confirmed by our last nurse there.) They keep the babies there for extra monitoring, which is great for the parents who have micro preemies who probably need it, but when your baby is almost term and is breathing well after a few days they should be discharged. It is so, so hard to visit your baby in the NICU when they're fine and just hanging out. You want them to be home with you where they belong. Brooks, just like Rose, is and was a horrible bottle eater. He loves to nurse and he is good at it. It was what kept him at the NICU over here for an extra day because he wouldn't eat the bottles. Still three months in he won't take a bottle well and it's hard on me so we are working on slowly getting him used to pacifiers and bottles just for my peace of mind if I need a break to go out for more than two hours during the day.
Bringing Brooks home, I couldn't wait to introduce him to his siblings. They all had a chance to hold him and we were all so happy to finally be together as a family of seven!
I hope everyone who reads this can understand why it was so hard for me to share his story. I was in a very hard place right after his birth and I couldn't talk about it for weeks after his delivery without crying. I also hope I didn't offend anyone with my feeling towards the NICU. I am so thankful for the nurses and doctors to have been there to help my babies when they needed it. I feel so blessed to have five healthy children to call my own!
